rock bottom

Suddenly this world is so empty. Suddenly, I don't even know why I am here.

And I don't even know if I can go on.

I am cheap, disgraceful, disrespected and I am so full of shit.

It is so painful, I wish someone will understand. I wish all these will end.

What did I do wrong? what have I done to deserve this?

I do not even dare to look in the mirror anymore, I see filth.

I am so scared. God does not know me. I trusted in Him but where is He?

I've tried to end it all, but i thought of my family. I love them. It would be so selfish of me.

WHAT FUCKS SAKE WHAT CAN I DO TO MYSELF?????!?!? FUCKS SAKE I AM SO FUCKING SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK AND I AM NOTHING BUT FILTH. EVERYONE THINKS I AM NOTHING BUT FUCKING WANKED UP FILTH.

And i thought I was doing alright..... I thought i haven't done anything wrong.

But apprently I am nothing but a DISGRACE. I was told the TRUTH and I don't know if I can ever look at myself ever again.

Someone please fucking end this for me. I am so ugly. UGLY. JUST KILL ME FOR FUCKS SAKE.

EVEN THE FUCKING KNIFE DOES NOT REACH MY VEINS. WHY? FOR FUCKS??? jsut let me DIE. I AM NOT EVEN ASKING FOR ANYTHING........LET ME SEE SOME BLOOD FOR FUCKS SAKE

I can't do this anymore.... I can't go on..... I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I HATE FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I am so pathetic. PATHETIC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MYSELF.

That's it, I can't find a way out. I love you all, and please, do not end up like me.

"Don't worry. And be Happy :)
Maybe I will find my rainbow one day."

Absence

Things have been pretty tricky at the moment, lots of down than ups. I've virtually disappeared from the world of showbiz, given up on castings and thus losing my dreams from sight.
Yeah, I am in pretty bad shape. Apart from gaining a couple of pounds, I've lost all momentum I once had. That sense of adventure is gone.

I don't know if they call this a burn out or a fade out... but surely it came earlier than I ever expected.

I believe I have not reached my peak, or if I ever will. What happened to those days when I breathed passion and lived on the edge?

I am feeling the consequences, in a bad way. I feel overexposed, polluted and raped. It is true. People talk about me,good friends and trusted relatives twist my publicities into vile manners. But I believe that this is the type of shit you have to take from people if you were to be seen in the media. It is a sort of pay-off, in a rather pessimistic way.

I could kneel in St. Paul's and pray. I don't know where I am going. I don't even know why my mind is so marred beyond recognition. Truth is, I've started to hurt myself the other day. Those days are coming back. And how hard I pray everynight to recover that thirst for life again. I honestly tell God that I can't do this alone.

Maybe its not so bad after all. You read Fellini or Pasolini.. who hasn't had their share of pain?
As much as I hate to say this, some have it easier than others.

Yeah, maybe it is not so bad. At least the tears have stopped. It is just the heart thats a little sore... but time heals.

Just keep on believing. The lesson I've learnt is, Believe in yourself, not others.

Painstakingly Painful

It is so hard when you've been crying like a whale for the past 5 hours and you have to face an important casting call the very same day.
I had barely 4 hours of sleep and I have hideous eyebags.
I feel so sad. I hear my family's voice on the phone and I just want to go home.
Seeing myself in magazines doesn't cheer me up anymore. Looking at fancy photos of myself doesn't give me that kick any longer.

All I want to do is to go home.
I don't even know why i live this life. I don't even know why I bother throwing myself off a cliff hoping that a swooping eagle will catch me midair.

I hear my puppies bark over the phone and it reminded me that there's a simpler approach to life which promises so much more happiness than a life away from home. Why did I bother to immerse myself into a shallow industry that lacks empathy and sincerity? How much tears has it caused me? When do my eyes tire of such emptiness?

But what is life without a dream?
Does life imprint that we can only have one of the above?

I choose home.
By God's grace, I will build my dreams from home.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary Lyrics
---------------------------------
"Dear Diary,
Today I saw a boy and I wondered if he noticed me. He took my breath away.
Dear Diary,
I can't get him off my mind and it scares me 'cause I've never felt this way.
No one in this world knows me better than you do, so diary I'll confide in you.
Dear Diary,
Today I saw that boy as he walked by I thought he smiled at me, and I wondered
does he know what's in my heart? I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe.
Should I tell him how I feel or would that scare him away. Diary, tell me what
to do. Please tell me what to say.
Dear Diary,
One touch of his hand. Now I can't wait to see that boy again. He smiled and I
thought my heart could fly. Diary, do you think that we'll be more than
friends? I've got feeling we'll be so much more than friends."
---------------------------------

Sorry for the delayed post.
Today I realised I can't continue with my career as far as i would love to. I have to go away at the end of this year and that leaves me barely half a year to secure a working contract. But in the case of the film industry, chances are low.
If you ask me if I'm unhappy, yes, I am.

I am only human after all.

If God willing, please give me a chance. I've tried so hard to earn something out of doing something i love.

MTV Europe contacted me to do a reality show, so i thought that was a salvation. I was optimistic, excited and relieved.

But they simply snubbed me in the end because I don't have a british passport. At a time when i am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason, i feel somewhat betrayed. I feel like fate is playing games by bringing one's hopes high and then smashing it down on the ground. It hurts.

Although this is not the first rejection, I am taking it badly because I saw it as my last resolution. It could have been a breakthrough for me. I am trying to see the positive side of this, but I am disillusioned by life's ability to destroy hopes. I can't help but to accept the fact that some people have it easier than others. I really can't justify the life's absence of virtue.

Maybe it is not so bad. Or maybe better things will come my way. I have only 'sort of' secured one more short film for the next month but I can't help but to feel rather underachieved. But, as they say, it is better than none. I can't help but to feel I've been denied of what could have been a fantastic opportunity.

On the personal end, so many things are plagueing me that life is beginning to strip my ability to smile. I am human. I have feelings. If only Britain's fucking immigration law allows more gifted artists to live in and contribute to their country.
Instead, they are admitting thousands of materialistic, corporate shallow sluts to flood the migration quota. These people have more opportunities to succeed anywhere in the world as compared to us artists who have limited meccas to run to.

It breaks my heart to return home to a hopeless and arrogant industry where they will never recognise me as an actress, but as a runner.

All I want is to see my loved ones happy. And I want to do something I love.

Is that such a crime?

The DVD finally arrived :)

After binge eating the whole weekend... this morning, the dvd of the short film I acted in finally arrived at my postbox. Like an excited child opening her present, I tore the envelope frantically, ran up 5 flights of stairs and switched on my laptop. I think its been a while since I'm this excited!

This is my screen debut. The first film I've ever acted in.

It is a low budget 4minute production. It may not seem much, but when I saw my face on screen for the first time my feelings were equivalent to those rare sublime moments in my life. I think this is the first time I smiled to myself after such a long time. Yeah, I did feel rather narcissistic. I actually thought I looked decent apart from those cheesy lines I had to say. I studied my silly habits on screen...and had a good laugh at myself :) God bless the director who gave me a chance to act. i got an unexpected text from his friend who was very supportive. At least there are some kind words for my little achievement!

The euphoria dipped late afternoon, I got rejected from another two agencies and sis was in a bad mood. I've got to tackle two major essays for university and realised that I'm pressed for time. My acting teacher ignored my e-mail and I'm kind of disappointed. At least a brisk reply will be nice.

Thats the usual problem with prodigies, they're not very habitual.

So I am left watching my first film alone. There are nice friends out there who want to watch it with me, but i've been very strangly about it. There are some friends with high expectations but are ignorant with the concept of low budget short films (so they'll be disappointed) and there are some who are purely interrogative. I seem to have to lost a great deal of trust in my friends... perhaps it is my obssession with this whole acting dream or the lack of empathy. Perhaps they were never my friends in the first place.

I'd share it with the ppl who truly care. It did kinda hurt me when my sis didn't seem excited, she was more concerned of her exams. I didn't show it to her in the end.

After all, she's the only person I love in this country.

Maybe i am just sensitive. i dont' know. This brings me back to Chayefsky's Bachelor Party, I am beginning to experience Helen's insecurities. It feels rather sad, actually.. that is to love someone who may not love you the same way in return.

I've had trouble sleeping and I took some painkillers to put me down tonight.

I hope for a sunny day tommorrow :)

A Summer of Love

Today I went to the center of the earth and made a wish.
A wish of my heart's happiness. Pretty simple.

Nothing much on my front lately, classes have ended and I miss working on my scene. I will be flying home in a weeks time so its something wonderful to look forward to. So far, there's been no audition calls nor film projects in the horizon. Quite empty on my front. I've also been rejected by every casting agency I've applied to, and honestly, my morale is dipping.

I am beginning to believe that actors live in a different world.
It is pretty hard to explain. Ever since I've committed myself to this world, I perceive life in a different light.

anyway, I wont waffle on that issue. I've just shot a short film (handling a tiny role) in the same old black dress I've been wearing to every shoot and project. I think it's pretty tricky to compile a decent showreel with my lack of wardrobe!

On a lighter front, the weather has been beautiful lately. Splashes of summer in March is pretty rare, but such are little blessings. It reminds us that life can be beautiful, if we remain optimisitic.

It is alright to be rejected, but i hope that these snobbish agents will choke on themselves one day....
'why didn't we sign her??'

Tough shit.

Last Resort

I am really bad at figuring out interesting titles for my posts but 'Last Resort' comes from a title of one of Pawlikovsky's earlier films.

I don't know why I chose that title, I guess it was the first thing that came to my mind when I looked at the screen. I had my final sensory class of the term today, and it was harder than I thought. You've guessed it, I was distracted. And I've guessed that he would have avoided me like a plague. To be honest I don't know if he did, or it was just me being insecure. Everything is too overwhelming to explain.

Honestly, I am tired.

You may have also noticed that my phrase of the day is 'I don't know'. It is true, I really don't know. In class, the teacher asked me what was in my mind. I just mumbled, 'i don't know.' But what was exactly going through my mind cannot be said in class. It is kind of obvious. I bet the whole class was bewildered.

Tommorrow will be the final scene class of term. It is perhaps the last time I will ever see him. He will leave for hollywood soon and bless him, I may see him on the silver screen one day. The next term begins in May, it will take two months to rediscover my bearings and to work on my distraction as an inspiration.

I am down with the flu, and I will sleep early. I have a shoot this weekend, and I've lost a potential acting job due to some weird miscommunication. I am a little gutted, so it is about time I focus on my academic work.

Anyway, all I will do is to pray. My family's here so its nice. I wish I could tell them everything, but my newfound world seem so vague to them. I wish I could make them proud one day.