Chasing Rainbows

rock bottom

2005-05-08T21:47:00.000+01:00

Suddenly this world is so empty. Suddenly, I don't even know why I am here.

And I don't even know if I can go on.

I am cheap, disgraceful, disrespected and I am so full of shit.

It is so painful, I wish someone will understand. I wish all these will end.

What did I do wrong? what have I done to deserve this?

I do not even dare to look in the mirror anymore, I see filth.

I am so scared. God does not know me. I trusted in Him but where is He?

I've tried to end it all, but i thought of my family. I love them. It would be so selfish of me.

WHAT FUCKS SAKE WHAT CAN I DO TO MYSELF?????!?!? FUCKS SAKE I AM SO FUCKING SICK SICK SICK SICK SICK AND I AM NOTHING BUT FILTH. EVERYONE THINKS I AM NOTHING BUT FUCKING WANKED UP FILTH.

And i thought I was doing alright..... I thought i haven't done anything wrong.

But apprently I am nothing but a DISGRACE. I was told the TRUTH and I don't know if I can ever look at myself ever again.

Someone please fucking end this for me. I am so ugly. UGLY. JUST KILL ME FOR FUCKS SAKE.

EVEN THE FUCKING KNIFE DOES NOT REACH MY VEINS. WHY? FOR FUCKS??? jsut let me DIE. I AM NOT EVEN ASKING FOR ANYTHING........LET ME SEE SOME BLOOD FOR FUCKS SAKE

I can't do this anymore.... I can't go on..... I HATE MYSELF SO MUCH. I HATE FUCKING HATE MYSELF. I am so pathetic. PATHETIC. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO TO MYSELF.

That's it, I can't find a way out. I love you all, and please, do not end up like me.

"Don't worry. And be Happy :)
Maybe I will find my rainbow one day."

Absence

2005-05-06T20:42:00.000+01:00

Things have been pretty tricky at the moment, lots of down than ups. I've virtually disappeared from the world of showbiz, given up on castings and thus losing my dreams from sight.
Yeah, I am in pretty bad shape. Apart from gaining a couple of pounds, I've lost all momentum I once had. That sense of adventure is gone.

I don't know if they call this a burn out or a fade out... but surely it came earlier than I ever expected.

I believe I have not reached my peak, or if I ever will. What happened to those days when I breathed passion and lived on the edge?

I am feeling the consequences, in a bad way. I feel overexposed, polluted and raped. It is true. People talk about me,good friends and trusted relatives twist my publicities into vile manners. But I believe that this is the type of shit you have to take from people if you were to be seen in the media. It is a sort of pay-off, in a rather pessimistic way.

I could kneel in St. Paul's and pray. I don't know where I am going. I don't even know why my mind is so marred beyond recognition. Truth is, I've started to hurt myself the other day. Those days are coming back. And how hard I pray everynight to recover that thirst for life again. I honestly tell God that I can't do this alone.

Maybe its not so bad after all. You read Fellini or Pasolini.. who hasn't had their share of pain?
As much as I hate to say this, some have it easier than others.

Yeah, maybe it is not so bad. At least the tears have stopped. It is just the heart thats a little sore... but time heals.

Just keep on believing. The lesson I've learnt is, Believe in yourself, not others.

Painstakingly Painful

2005-04-25T08:43:00.000+01:00

It is so hard when you've been crying like a whale for the past 5 hours and you have to face an important casting call the very same day.
I had barely 4 hours of sleep and I have hideous eyebags.
I feel so sad. I hear my family's voice on the phone and I just want to go home.
Seeing myself in magazines doesn't cheer me up anymore. Looking at fancy photos of myself doesn't give me that kick any longer.

All I want to do is to go home.
I don't even know why i live this life. I don't even know why I bother throwing myself off a cliff hoping that a swooping eagle will catch me midair.

I hear my puppies bark over the phone and it reminded me that there's a simpler approach to life which promises so much more happiness than a life away from home. Why did I bother to immerse myself into a shallow industry that lacks empathy and sincerity? How much tears has it caused me? When do my eyes tire of such emptiness?

But what is life without a dream?
Does life imprint that we can only have one of the above?

I choose home.
By God's grace, I will build my dreams from home.

Dear Diary

2005-04-14T15:02:00.000+01:00

Dear Diary Lyrics
---------------------------------
"Dear Diary,
Today I saw a boy and I wondered if he noticed me. He took my breath away.
Dear Diary,
I can't get him off my mind and it scares me 'cause I've never felt this way.
No one in this world knows me better than you do, so diary I'll confide in you.
Dear Diary,
Today I saw that boy as he walked by I thought he smiled at me, and I wondered
does he know what's in my heart? I tried to smile, but I could hardly breathe.
Should I tell him how I feel or would that scare him away. Diary, tell me what
to do. Please tell me what to say.
Dear Diary,
One touch of his hand. Now I can't wait to see that boy again. He smiled and I
thought my heart could fly. Diary, do you think that we'll be more than
friends? I've got feeling we'll be so much more than friends."
---------------------------------

Sorry for the delayed post.
Today I realised I can't continue with my career as far as i would love to. I have to go away at the end of this year and that leaves me barely half a year to secure a working contract. But in the case of the film industry, chances are low.
If you ask me if I'm unhappy, yes, I am.

I am only human after all.

If God willing, please give me a chance. I've tried so hard to earn something out of doing something i love.

MTV Europe contacted me to do a reality show, so i thought that was a salvation. I was optimistic, excited and relieved.

But they simply snubbed me in the end because I don't have a british passport. At a time when i am beginning to believe that everything happens for a reason, i feel somewhat betrayed. I feel like fate is playing games by bringing one's hopes high and then smashing it down on the ground. It hurts.

Although this is not the first rejection, I am taking it badly because I saw it as my last resolution. It could have been a breakthrough for me. I am trying to see the positive side of this, but I am disillusioned by life's ability to destroy hopes. I can't help but to accept the fact that some people have it easier than others. I really can't justify the life's absence of virtue.

Maybe it is not so bad. Or maybe better things will come my way. I have only 'sort of' secured one more short film for the next month but I can't help but to feel rather underachieved. But, as they say, it is better than none. I can't help but to feel I've been denied of what could have been a fantastic opportunity.

On the personal end, so many things are plagueing me that life is beginning to strip my ability to smile. I am human. I have feelings. If only Britain's fucking immigration law allows more gifted artists to live in and contribute to their country.
Instead, they are admitting thousands of materialistic, corporate shallow sluts to flood the migration quota. These people have more opportunities to succeed anywhere in the world as compared to us artists who have limited meccas to run to.

It breaks my heart to return home to a hopeless and arrogant industry where they will never recognise me as an actress, but as a runner.

All I want is to see my loved ones happy. And I want to do something I love.

Is that such a crime?

The DVD finally arrived :)

2005-03-22T23:08:00.000Z

After binge eating the whole weekend... this morning, the dvd of the short film I acted in finally arrived at my postbox. Like an excited child opening her present, I tore the envelope frantically, ran up 5 flights of stairs and switched on my laptop. I think its been a while since I'm this excited!

This is my screen debut. The first film I've ever acted in.

It is a low budget 4minute production. It may not seem much, but when I saw my face on screen for the first time my feelings were equivalent to those rare sublime moments in my life. I think this is the first time I smiled to myself after such a long time. Yeah, I did feel rather narcissistic. I actually thought I looked decent apart from those cheesy lines I had to say. I studied my silly habits on screen...and had a good laugh at myself :) God bless the director who gave me a chance to act. i got an unexpected text from his friend who was very supportive. At least there are some kind words for my little achievement!

The euphoria dipped late afternoon, I got rejected from another two agencies and sis was in a bad mood. I've got to tackle two major essays for university and realised that I'm pressed for time. My acting teacher ignored my e-mail and I'm kind of disappointed. At least a brisk reply will be nice.

Thats the usual problem with prodigies, they're not very habitual.

So I am left watching my first film alone. There are nice friends out there who want to watch it with me, but i've been very strangly about it. There are some friends with high expectations but are ignorant with the concept of low budget short films (so they'll be disappointed) and there are some who are purely interrogative. I seem to have to lost a great deal of trust in my friends... perhaps it is my obssession with this whole acting dream or the lack of empathy. Perhaps they were never my friends in the first place.

I'd share it with the ppl who truly care. It did kinda hurt me when my sis didn't seem excited, she was more concerned of her exams. I didn't show it to her in the end.

After all, she's the only person I love in this country.

Maybe i am just sensitive. i dont' know. This brings me back to Chayefsky's Bachelor Party, I am beginning to experience Helen's insecurities. It feels rather sad, actually.. that is to love someone who may not love you the same way in return.

I've had trouble sleeping and I took some painkillers to put me down tonight.

I hope for a sunny day tommorrow :)

A Summer of Love

2005-03-19T20:27:00.000Z

Today I went to the center of the earth and made a wish.
A wish of my heart's happiness. Pretty simple.

Nothing much on my front lately, classes have ended and I miss working on my scene. I will be flying home in a weeks time so its something wonderful to look forward to. So far, there's been no audition calls nor film projects in the horizon. Quite empty on my front. I've also been rejected by every casting agency I've applied to, and honestly, my morale is dipping.

I am beginning to believe that actors live in a different world.
It is pretty hard to explain. Ever since I've committed myself to this world, I perceive life in a different light.

anyway, I wont waffle on that issue. I've just shot a short film (handling a tiny role) in the same old black dress I've been wearing to every shoot and project. I think it's pretty tricky to compile a decent showreel with my lack of wardrobe!

On a lighter front, the weather has been beautiful lately. Splashes of summer in March is pretty rare, but such are little blessings. It reminds us that life can be beautiful, if we remain optimisitic.

It is alright to be rejected, but i hope that these snobbish agents will choke on themselves one day....
'why didn't we sign her??'

Tough shit.

Last Resort

2005-03-09T20:53:00.000Z

I am really bad at figuring out interesting titles for my posts but 'Last Resort' comes from a title of one of Pawlikovsky's earlier films.

I don't know why I chose that title, I guess it was the first thing that came to my mind when I looked at the screen. I had my final sensory class of the term today, and it was harder than I thought. You've guessed it, I was distracted. And I've guessed that he would have avoided me like a plague. To be honest I don't know if he did, or it was just me being insecure. Everything is too overwhelming to explain.

Honestly, I am tired.

You may have also noticed that my phrase of the day is 'I don't know'. It is true, I really don't know. In class, the teacher asked me what was in my mind. I just mumbled, 'i don't know.' But what was exactly going through my mind cannot be said in class. It is kind of obvious. I bet the whole class was bewildered.

Tommorrow will be the final scene class of term. It is perhaps the last time I will ever see him. He will leave for hollywood soon and bless him, I may see him on the silver screen one day. The next term begins in May, it will take two months to rediscover my bearings and to work on my distraction as an inspiration.

I am down with the flu, and I will sleep early. I have a shoot this weekend, and I've lost a potential acting job due to some weird miscommunication. I am a little gutted, so it is about time I focus on my academic work.

Anyway, all I will do is to pray. My family's here so its nice. I wish I could tell them everything, but my newfound world seem so vague to them. I wish I could make them proud one day.

Fate

2005-03-07T21:32:00.000Z

I have been thinking alot lately.

I believe that things happen for a reason. It took me a hell long time to convince myself that fate exists, but today and after much thought, everything is beginning to make sense.

Yes, it is funny to be in love. I wont deny that I have fallen head over heels for the boy. I wrote about that fateful sensory class in the previous post. I spent the entire weekend tormenting my emotions as to stop myself from falling in love with him. It didn't help. Instead it wasted a lot of my time and tears.

Love is painful, there is no doubt. That is why it is such a powerful emotion. Today I anticipated him to come to class, but he didn't. So I had to do my sensory exercise with someone else. I was disappointed. I wasn't concentrating because he wasn't there. And it showed.

However, I learnt something extraordinary today, that is the difference between love and abuse. Yeah, I am talking about kissing. I am not an expert in this field, but I have personally gone through my fair share of drunk, obligatory and abusive snogs. Before last wednesday, I've never experienced a kiss whereby I was willing to share that intimate part of myself which was hidden in both my conscious and unconscious.

That was why I fell in love with him.

Today was different. My partner noticed my delusion and forced himself onto me. Outraged by my passiveness, he kissed me in frustration. It reminded me of those abusive kisses I've had in my past which poisoned my faith in intimacy. But I improvised with the situation and got out of it.

I've never thought of this before, but the one thing which makes me smile is that I've had the experience of a real kiss in what we actors may call it, the moment of truth. If I didn't experience the abuse today, I wouldn't have appreciated the powerful paradox. Last wednesday's kiss will live in me till the day I die.

So I left the class confused, and even more disappointed when I heard that he would be working on a love scene with another actress tommorrow. I walked to the tube station indulging in tremendous self-pity. Just as I felt the need to confide in someone about my conflicting emotions of love, my acting teacher appeared miraculously beside me. He, too, was heading for the station.

I told him everything. He adviced me to use these emotions in my scene work. He assured me that it is not a crime to fall in love. It is part of being alive. I bore that in mind. It took a whole day to sink in, but I understand it now. If I could use these genuine emotions in my work.. I think I am finally growing as an actress. It is a fated opportunity.

Thus, everything happened for a reason. I initially joined these classes without an agenda, but today, I realised how much Method Acting has changed me as a person. This is only just the beginning.

Perhaps it is not bad thing to be lovesick after all, just as long as we can utilise and see the bright side of it.

As long as fate is kind.

2005-03-04T16:46:00.000Z

Speak of the devil when I wrote about the frog prince.

Two days ago I literally kissed a prince. Or at least, he was my prince for that brisk moment. Perhaps only for that lucky 20 minutes when I had him all to myself.

God, I am lucky.

I wish I could tell you his name, but I can’t. He only loved me for that 20minutes. But he never spoke to me again. Now that I think back, I am horrified. During that time, I pushed him away, shouted at him and personified myself as a pathetic little fool. Which is probably what I am.

I ran from him and I bawled my eyes out. Jeez, I must have been hysterical

But just as my heart desired, he came back to me. He took me by the hand, and loved me in a way I could only dream of.

As fate has it, it was over. It was all an act. He was an actor. A bloody good one.
But I was not.

And I fell for him.

This is hard for me. I wished it never happened. I wished someone would understand how difficult it is to be unnecessarily distracted. It doesn’t get any worse when he is in the same field. He is simply doing something he loves. To act.

It cripples me. It paralyses my emotions and my ability in this craft. I don’t blame him at all. I despise myself for being so emotionally vulnerable. I screwed up my scene study again on Thursday because I spent the day before messing my mind contemplating what I have done and felt when I was with him. I recognize this feeling; I have loved countless times in my life before subjecting to unrequited doom. This is all too familiar. And fate hasn’t changed its deceitful way for the past 21years of my life.

I wished it never happened. It is similar to throwing yourself to a deep end when you can hardly swim. My acting is bad and I can’t deal with my personal life. The only blessing I can gather out of this is to use it in my performance. But it is difficult.
It can even take several years of training.

The truth is, I am frustrated with myself. I sometimes want to type out all the shit I’ve gotten myself in, but it will probably worsen my mental health. Sometimes I don’t even know what I am doing with my life, I guess it is the same for everyone else. It is all about being alive in a rather harsh world.

I am not asking for any pity.

Anyway, to look on the bright side, I thought I messed up an audition but I got a part as an extra in a short film. Another script is lying about in my room, which I am still contemplating because there are several kissing scenes. I got the script on Tuesday before fateful Wednesday, so I initially thought I couldn’t read the part because I’ve never kissed a man when I am in love. What more of doing an onscreen kiss?

After Wednesday, I found the answer.

Frog Prince

2005-03-01T21:47:00.000Z

My relationship with acting is like kissing a frog.

Trust me, it is not easy kissing an ugly creature. But if you look in its eyes, it is a LIVING creature.
Just like me.
It breathes, it moves, it eats and it has feelings.

No doubt we look rather different from each other. The human consensus is that the frog is visually unappealing. I believe in fairy tales. I believe that when you kiss a frog, it turns into a prince.

Life, with its infinite opportunities, will be a bore if one does not believe in the power of dreams. Even Fairy tales that are often deemed childish are mirrors of our realities. As ugly as the frog looks, there is a possibility of beauty underneath it.

Not surprisingly, I screwed up my scene.
But it is okay. Through those tears and the dissecton of my reality, I learnt a valuable lesson today, I have identified my love.

And that is acting.

I just need to learn to kiss it.

Fear

2005-02-28T22:46:00.001Z

Yeah, you've guessed it. I am freaking out. My scene is up tommorrow.
And I am really freaked out.

Really freaked.

anyway, I keep telling myself that its a learning process. Scrutiny. Scrutiny.
Its' okay. I will take some risks.
Its okay to make mistakes.

once up, it wont be so bad the next time. That is what I tell myself. Convince myself.

The Oscars was on last night, I couldn't watch it because it wasn't broadcasted live on national tv. But I saw excerpts of it from the news, and hell, Hillary Swank's Oscar speech made me cry. It was the bit about her being brought up in a trailer park. She was a little girl with big dreams.

Inspiration. I will write more when I am more coherent. I think I am rejected by Sandra Reynold's casting agency. I am used to bloody agencies ignoring my applications. Let them choke on their own mucus when I take home an Oscar one day!

Hang on, I will be alright.
I can look forward to a gorgeous sandwich tommorrow!

Snow and more snow!

2005-02-26T21:25:00.000Z

It's been snowing continuously for days... in mid february!
And its freeeezzzziiingggg.....

I do owe you all an apology for not updating my blog, I've been taking some days off to relax and catch up on some lost sleep. I haven't got any jobs lately, except for a portfolio photoshoot next week so that I can send some off some applications to agencies. And I've been pigging out. ALOT.

I am dyeing my hair to a darker shade of brown as I am typing this, I've also bought a lovely bronzer from estee lauder! I went frenzy on a shopping spree yesterday, but I feel a hell lot better!! Just make sure that I wont suffer from Tanorexia in this sunless winter!

Tonight I am going to learn my script for a scene study next week, I've been procrastinating by eating.. which I reckon is ridiculously unhealthy! I'm just whingeing over some patty stuff.. its one of those days, really...

Have a wonderful weekend, you all.... I will update as soon as something interesting comes along my way. I've sorted out my acting CV, it is actually more credible than I thought. Oh, I even entered a poetry competition!!!! Talk about the desperation to be productive!

Thank God!

2005-02-22T23:18:00.000Z

I ran through the Bachelor Party today with my scene partner and it went very well. Such a relief! Thanks to the basic relaxation exercise I learnt in the course so far, it is now easier to slip into character. If only it will work as well on Thursday when we perform it to the class. My partner is a blessing, not only was she encouraging, our characters were naturally in sync! It has been ages since I felt contented with myself. I havent acted 'properly' in two years... so it is a great relief to pick up the momentum I thought I would have left behind forever.

The weather is downright weird. It's snowing in LONDON in late February. It feels like a freezer outside. Just when I thought Spring is in the air.
Naive.

My sister accompanied me for dinner, so it was nice to have some good company after some time gorging down takeaways alone. I got an e-mail from a dear friend back home, who too, is an enthisiastic performer. She is one of those rare specie of genuine artists from the developing country I come from. Which is why i bother to keep in touch with her, she is hardworking, ambitious and most importantly, sincerely enthusiastic about the performing arts. Fame has never crossed her mind. She kindly sent me a link to a American production company who is currently recruiting interns for my consideration. She's enthusiastic about it, but 5 months ago I would have said yes immediately. Today, I am not so sure.
Let's put it this way, at this moment the only thing that enraptures my mind is performing.

Now you must be wondering whats this double bill of producing and acting on my agenda. It is a long story, but I will spare you from reading it today since I have a shoulder ache typing on my laptop. Anyway, I watched footie today and my team lost. I was so devastated that i gorged down two big macs, a massive bowl of green curry, coconut rice and half a tub of Ben & Jerry. I could have gone further but my sister retained my sanity.

Oh, bet you didn't know that I am a short size 10 chubby girl weighing 60kg.
Explains the lack of acting and modeling jobs... sigh!

Snow!

2005-02-22T00:06:00.000Z

It snowed today!! I haven't seen snow for ages, so it was a pretty sight. Such a pleasant change from the usual hailstorm.

Ignore me, I am just exagerrating.

I had the usual acting classes followed by film lectures in the evening. I have no media or acting jobs for the moment, so I feeling rather dry. I kept checking my e-mail every 2 hours anticipating possible film projects.
Nope.
No new e-mail.

I have no excuse but to concentrate in the Method classes as I have to perform a scene sometime this or next week. My partner and I have chosen Chayefsky's Bachelor Party for scene study. I was horrified when I read the script for the first time today.... I have to play a pregnant girl who's madly in love with her unaffectionate boyfriend. The last time I played a pregnant woman was as Elizabeth Proctor in The Crucible about 5 years ago, I think. I have hardly any recollection of the pregnant aspect of that role. Honestly, I am scared to death. In a few days time, I will be exposing myself to sharp scrutiny. Plus, my brain is so dead that I can't seem to remember my lines. Sigh.

Where's the inspiration when I need it?

It is past midnight and I should sleep soon. I am looking forward to delicious Crunchy Nut for breakfast! yummy!
Oh, and indian curry with my sister tommorrow night!

Brick Lane

2005-02-20T23:03:00.000Z

Today I've spent 5 hours camping in a cafe at Brick Lane, and spent 30mins lying in the middle of the road posing as a rape casualty. Oh yeas, today was supposedly one of the coldest days of winter; it is one degree celsius and my bum is shivering. It is certainly hell when you have to lie face down in the middle of a busy road with just a halter dress on. A short dress.
And of course, the cold wind that sweeps underneath it.

One sympathetic passerby reacted in horror, 'Oh God.....And I thought modelling was glamorous!'
I overheard someone say ,'Should we call an ambulance?'
Another concerned woman said, 'For goodness sake, she is going to catch a cold!!!!'

Thanks for your understanding, dear. i am still shivering and my mind is incoherent.

Now that I think back, it was an amazing feat. What made me do it? I don't know.
And I am absolutely knackered.

World Cafe

2005-02-19T23:18:00.000Z

I feel much better today.
See? The painkillers really helped. I just needed a good night's sleep and I would feel better today.

Today was a sabbatical. I spent the whole afternoon at World Cafe making notes for my film essay. It is going to be my favourite haunt from now on, the tea is cheap and the music is fabulous. My favourite seat is the one near the window..sometimes it does get a bit chilly but the view is lovely. It faces a pub where i can have the occasional peep at the live football matches screened on telly in there. You see people walking past the window, all sorts of people.
The cafe's overall atmosphere is very condusive and inpirational... perfecto!

I called home and told my mum about the disastrous shoot yesterday. To my great relief, she was cool about it. Sis was in a better mood today, so I am pretty much more at ease. It is amazing how the moods of your loved ones can affect you.

I visited the theatre bookshop and bought a book titled, 'No Acting, please!' i've read 20 pages of it so far (I don't usually read.. I am a lazy arse when it comes to books) and it has been enlightening. The book is based on the notion that acting should not be forced and it should be natural as well as personal to a certain extent. After deriving these ideas I read a couple of lines from chayefsky's The Bachelor Party, a scene which I will have to perform in class next week, and found the text less daunting than I thought. Nevertheless I still worry, but I reckon I must give it a shot in order to learn. Learning is a difficult curve, but I realised that I am falling in love with acting more than ever before.

I've got another shoot tommorrow at Brick Lane for a series of violence against women posters. The weather forecast reports rain and zero temperatures tommorrow.... and I've got to strut around in a halter dress and fancy heels. Thats the beauty of location shoots...you are conditioned to morph into character. Reminds me of my first film shoot in the muddy jungle last month, I was wearing the same halter dress and the rain was pouring. I was holding a gun and I had to feign death. Imagine collapsing onto muddy grounds fertilised by deer poo.

Hope tommorrow works well and I'll have some time to recover for the busy week ahead.
Lesson of the day: Don't ACT. Just BE.

Have a good weekend!

Wet and cloudy Friday afternoon.

2005-02-18T19:48:00.000Z

I’ve just got back from my shoot, very much deceived that it was entirely an underwear shoot instead one that was stated earlier in my magazine interview. I didn’t object to it, simply because it was meant to be a healthy body campaign. As if that wasn’t bad enough, my sister was in an awful mood, so she vented her anger on me over the phone first thing in the morning.

Don’t worry, it is not the first time. Without fail, at least once a day, some friend, cousin or relative will use me as a punching bag. In all honesty. I am not bitter and I don’t complain. I understand that life is frustrating, so there’s always a need to release anger. Suppressing anguish is dangerous and I worry for these people's sake... I do not want them to self destruct just because no one would lend them a considerate ear.
Sometimes, I’ve also been taken for granted to the extent whereby everyone expects that I never have bad days.

Let’s put it this way, today I feel really bad.

Now I am sitting down in World Café with a cup of hot chocolate and the last available chocolate cake on the counter. Yeah, I am embarking on my chocolate fix before I decide to walk blindfolded across Euston road. It is one of those days, really. In fact, I just feel like crying but I just can’t do it. Perhaps I am not unhappy enough to cry. I don’t know.

It just hits you; it is some sort of actor’s dilemma. I feel that no one is interested in what I am doing. Even those who sound excited when I tell them that I am going to appear in a film, they more or less aren’t sincere about their enthusiasm. Why? Because they are envious that you will be closer to fantasy Hollywood and they aren’t. This is typical civilian behavior. Even your best friend can feel that way about you. It's a fact.

There is also the pressure to live up to. When I tell a friend that I will be in a film, it immediately clips her mind that I will be famous and glamorous. They start asking annoying questions like when the film will be released..but for God’s sake!! It is just a low-budget independent film!!! Simpleminded civillians don’t seem to understand that stardom doesn't come overnight. And if you’re not appearing in magazines within the next few weeks, word goes around your social circle that you have failed as an actress. At the same time, if you don’t tell them what you’ve been acting in, you lose their friendship.

Acting is difficult. Being actress is equally as difficult. There are many social expectations to live up to, difficult people to please and all these involve a lot of selflessness. Selflessness is fine, but I refuse to believe that I am the only person in this world with a little consideration for others.

I don’t want to sound like a martyr, but lets put it this way, I am more often sad than pissed off. Really. I suppress more tears than curses. I am such a shithead. I am sad because I can't seem to sort myself out. I am sad because I cant make myself happy. And I am sad because I am not a good actress.
The only person to blame is just myself.
Not others.

The remedy? I will just take some painkillers and sleep it through.
10 hours later, everything will be al right.

Coincidence?

2005-02-17T23:19:00.000Z

Today I made a fascinating discovery: I live opposite the most coveted theatre bookstore in town!

I know it doesn't sound THAT exciting... but I have just been told that this little bookstore is visited by almost all aspiring actors in London. The funny thing is that I've moved into my flat almost six months ago; oblivious of the actors' haunt barely 50 footsteps from my lobby. This little bookstore carries most theatre and film scripts, audition monologues, screenplays and educational books on acting. I stepped into the store for the first time today, slightly embarassed by my ignorance. How can an aspiring actress not know of this mecca? (Especially when it is located on the same street as her flat.) God, I feel like hiding behind a bush.

And I ask myself, how can anyone take me seriously when I display such stupidity?
I don't beat myself up for it.
It's life. And it's comical.

Today's class was alright. I met up with an Italian independant film director for coffee to chat over a photography project. She needed to photograph models posing as rape victims as part of a public campaign against violence. I freaked out when she said she needed beautiful women; because I simply wasn't sure if i would fall into that category. In the first place, I got in touch with her when I saw her advertisement for actresses to take part her project. I didn't know she had preferences for appearance. And I looked like a hag when I met her.

I guess the chat did work well after all. She said she would contact me. We spoke on location and clothes. Looks like a 50\50. I guess it is because I agreed to distribute her flyers on some feminist film festival.

Tommorrow I will be stuck in a 5-hour photoshoot at a studio in Clapham . It is for a body feature in a national women's magazine. It's my first photoshoot so I am pretty excited, but I dread the smallprint that I must also be photographed in underwear so that half the British female population can empathise with my physical imperfection.

Hence this is my painful investment in search for fame. I do believe in the importance of public exposure in order to be noticed by kind agents. I haven't told my parents about the underwear bit yet... you know, the usual worrying of what their reations will be.

But then again, it is not like I am going to appear in a dodgy Soho calendar. This magazine feature is meant to celebrate women of all shapes and sizes!

I do pray that I will be an inspiration.... fingers crossed.

Tears.

2005-02-16T14:03:00.000Z

It happened. I cried in class today.

Day 3 of the Method Acting classes, this session deals with relaxation techniques to release all mental and physical tensions which could hinder the actor's performance. Silly me came to class early, grabbed the chair on the front row and embarked on exercises. First of all, as a newcomer, my technique was wrong. Thats okay. My teacher came over to help and he realised that i was more emotionally suppressed than it seemed. Thus, I was not relaxing my mental and physical state.

But when he asked me questions of my experiences and fear, I broke down and cried like a newly abandoned kid.

That must have been quite a sight. But it is not the first time. In every acting experience, I was bound to be the first to break into tears. Somehow it is always me sobbing, without fail. I acknowledge that it is due to my fragility and the lack of confidence which feeds upon my mental health...but I dont understand why I seem to be more ouvertly emotional that the others. Perhaps the others are more able to control their feelings in every circumstance or performance. I don't know. I couldn't hide it. Neither could i express sorrow.

I was brought up in a close knitted family in a sheltered environment. When younger, I had never gone out into the world; took public transport, mix with the neighbourhood kids nor held the house keys. The fact that I am pretty well off also meant that I was protected and naive. I still remember how much i missed home when I first came over to England at 18,... for god's sake, I was 18 and I was crying every night for three months hoping that a car will knock me down in order to send me home. Most 18year olds were having the time of their life enjoying the newfound freedom away from their families. As for me, I was afraid of this freedom.

My parents are very loving. So is my sister, nanny, and everyone else who made up my home environment. Leaving home threw me into the deep end of the pool, as I desperately swam upwards to catch a bit of oxygen now and then. Three years later, I thought I could swim pretty well due to experiences through time. Nevertheless, there's the occassional storm, but my newfound independance also taught me never to express my fears. I began to identify fear as a weakness.

Which was precisely why I failed the relaxation exercises today. Through those years, I've never left my emotional comfort zone. I've never explored my deepest emotions nor learnt how to handle or express them.

Today, my tears flowed uncontrollably when triggered by a simple question ,' What are you afraid of?'

I swiftly answered, 'That I will not be good enough.'

I realised that my immediate response reflected my subconscious plea for understanding. But what made me cry even more was because someone was actually listening to me.

The knots and tangles in my conciousness prevents me from performing confidantly. There are constantly suppressed emotions in me which makes me frequently tense. I just have to identify what these emotions are and deal with them actively.

But I also believe that it is my abillity to feel great sorrow which sets me apart from other actors.
I just need to utilise it.

Which is precisely what Method Acting is all about; the ability to live truthfully. Despite feeling traumatised today, this class has reminded why I've never thought of giving up on acting in the first place. Blood, sweat and tears, as they will say, but it is all going to be worthwhile at the end of the day. Thats why unconditional love exists.

At class, all I did was to cry, cry and cry. Now, I feel a hell lot better. Looking back, i resembled a professional mourner pasted with mucus all over her face. As soon as I recognised sympathetic faces around the class, I guess that my crying did have an effect on others. My feelings are not redundant.

Perhaps I do need those tears to make my acting career.
Tears, on its own, is a performance.

Acting Classes

2005-02-15T23:39:00.000Z

As I have promised, I will update this blog regularly!

Today was Day 2 of my acting classes.. oh i forgot to mention in the earlier post that I celebrated february 14th by signing up to a series of intensive Method classes. The process of Method Acting goes something along lines of Stanislavsky's,

'An Actor's task is to live the life of another human being.'

Thus I DID celebrate love on Valentine's Day. My relationship with film acting is often erratic and, at many times, unrequited. As I have mentioned before, I never possessed the inert talents of acting and thus, never shone when I had the opportunity to. This series of intensive classes I am currently attending is downright intimidating. It is not a beginner's class which expounds the basics of film acting (which I desperately lack) but instead it attempts to reveal a deeper meaning in roleplaying.
Most of the course students are from prestigious drama backgrounds who are reasonably familliar with the Method. I admit I do stick out like a sore thumb, I lack the confidence and the arrogance which subtly swims around the class. You could also blame me for signing for the wrong set of classes, because I should have gone for Acting for Beginners' instead. But the advertisement for this chosen course was alluring, the course is just manageably 4 weeks long and the drama school is merely 5mins walk from my place. I guess Fate speaks.

Yesterday I committed myself to this course. I told myself that if I needed some reputable training on my acting CV, I'd try to overcome the dread of intimidation and learn something from this course. It is hard. I'd never had formal training before. The teaching is blatant, harsh but insightful. There is a lot of personal dissection and psychological warfare.
This is the first time I am compelled to step out of my comfort zone.

As they say; if there's no pain, there's no gain. I have committed myself to juggling early morning scrutiny on my weak acting performances and long academic tutorials in the late evenings. I do ask myself why I have subjected myself to unnecessary pressures of handling several priorities at once. I am virtually alone at navigating my direction, although my caring sister empathises with my stress, many friends are oblivious to the harsh reality of finding one's way to be an actress. To be a good one.

The negativity which I occasionally feel perhaps best describes the 'unrequited' aspect of my relationship with film acting. Despite the anxiety of performing, the miniscule confidence and the failure to impress; there's an inner inspiration to keep me going on the road in search of an utopic role which could eventually prove my ability. The past 20 years of my life I'd never taken acting seriously till now. Of course there are definitely times I wish I turned back time and started earlier. At this stage, I am as worst as the worst actress in the history of mankind.

Though I've had nightmares of past appaling performances, ironically I've also had wonderful dreams of me putting on a phenomenal performance. For as long as these dreams continue, I will keep on believing that there's something out there for me.

Yeah. you've guessed it, I will not quit this course.

Stay brave. Have a nice day!

Happy Valentine's Day!

2005-02-14T15:42:00.000Z

Today opens a new chapter in my extraordinary life.
As it is Valentine's day, I have chosen to rekindle the love relationship between me and film acting.

Hang on... Iet me tell you a little bit of myself.

I am 22, female and a film studies postgraduate. No, I am technically not an actress, yet. I live in a marvellous city which I got acquainted to approximately 4 months ago. I live alone in a buzzling area within a mile of the West End, where many actors regard as their haven. As for me, a stone's throw is a long journey for me to reach the screens of your home.

I am normal. As normal as your neighbour. Of course, there's the occasional prodigy actor or actress embraced by some form of overnight success thanks to a scouting agent. I don't have an agent and neither have I been scouted. Two months ago, I was ambitious, hopeful and driven. Two months later, I shot my screen debut in a low budget independant film, thanks to an empathetic indie director. My aspirations was spurred by the narcissistic dream to appear on a DVD and boast that, 'hey! I am going to win an Oscar one day!' It is certainly the novelty of seeing yourself on TV. Who doesn't want to be famous? I have been practising my Oscar speech since I was thirteen!

Very little progress have been made since my adolescent hormones raged. You have Scarlett Johanssen scooping a Bafta at just 17 and other young actresses making their way into the industry... but as an ageing 22year old, I saw myself as a joke. I did appear on the occasional school play but never shone bright enough to be extraordinary. I even auditioned to join a national repertoire, got through (cheers to my foreign accent).... but hardly shone.

The irony is that, though I have been holding leading roles all my life, the audience somehow never loved me.

People congratulated the supporting actors, with an uncanny, familliar remark, 'You STOLE the show.'
Whereas in my case, people were only obliged to congratulate me, because I played the title character, with a half hearted sympathetic mumble, 'Good Effort.'

You see the difference? The next thing you may ask is, how did the unimpressive I get those lead roles in the first place? Simple. I was governed by luck. Very often I was originally casted as a minor character but only later when the initial actress drops out due her diva moodswings consequently the director casts me as the second/third choice. My guess is that I was often the third choice as most talented actors (with am impressive drama CV) can afford to be picky of their roles.
As for me, it goes by the saying, 'Beggars cannot be choosers.'

I may dwell in a stylish city flat but I am deadly impoverished in the talent department. I was born introvert, shy and uncreative. Yes, uncreative. I had that drummed in my head by teachers, minders and friends. I am a genius at playing nervous deadplan characters, but NOT necessarily, effective ones. It is this uncertainty in my ability which cripples my confidence. There is a simple rule that runs: An actress is a confident person. No doubt. An actress also possesses the inert ability to perform and entertain. In my case, it is a sad reality that I never possessed those qualities.

But I do not indulge in self-pity. Neither should you feel sorry for my inadequancies. I am trying to prove that perseverance can make up for that chipped shoulder. Today, I told myself, I am going to persevere for the long road ahead.

If I can't make you laugh, I will make you cry.

This is what this blogpage is about. By writing, I attempt to maintain my modesty and sanity while trekking through the ambitious craters of being film actress. I do hope that one day, I will be able to sit down and say,
'SEE? I TOLD YOU SO!'